Visions of Grandeur

I am afraid of never making a name for myself in the world. I am afraid I won’t contribute to society and I’ll never be known by anyone other than my friends and family. I am so afraid that one day I’ll wake up and my job, my family, and my small world will not be enough.

When I was a teenager I had visions of grandeur. Now that I am an adult, I have them less frequently. It’s difficult to admit or bring up in conversation, but I was an extremely vain young person. I daydreamed often, and the crux of my wandering thoughts was always this notion that I would be famous someday. Whether it was through writing, or science, or anything I was remotely talented at. I truly believed that I’d make the headlines, or at least control them. I think somewhere along the way of my early childhood education, no one stopped to tell me that building castles too far up in the sky is dangerous and leads to a life shrouded by discontent. I grouped myself in the category of the greats, even though I had not yet accomplished anything amazing. When I would hear about a hero, an academic, or even just a film star on TV, my first thoughts were always, ‘I could be them’.

40 Days of Dating Was A Good Idea

I’ll admit it, the second I saw a link to the blog ‘40 Days of Dating,’ I was intrigued. Hell, I was more than intrigued. I decided to spend the next five hours reading every single post in chronological order until I knew everything I possibly could about Timothy Goodman and Jessica Walsh, two graphic designers living in New York City embarking on a bold and very public relationship. Walsh and Goodman, long time friends, had be striking out on love for the past couple years. They decided that they would try to date each other for the next forty days to understand why they kept messing up in their relationships. The idea, conceived together, was never supposed to make it online. It was a personal experiment that went both incredibly right and wrong.

You Know You Love Me, xoxo Gossip Girl

Back before the 2010’s started. I’m sorry, is that how we refer to decades now? Horrible.

Anyways, back when we were all a bit younger and greener there was a show on television called Gossip Girl. Hopefully that rings a bell. I used to be able to recite the entire introduction, but now all I can remember is something, something… “the scandalous lives of Manhattan’s elite.”

Gossip girl was my all time favorite show, and I was sad but ready to see it go. Something about the mystery and seduction of Kristen Bell’s voice fascinated me every Monday. Her sign off, “you know you love me, xoxo Gossip Girl,” however vapid and ridiculous, enticed me and kept my attention fixated on the screen for forty minutes nonstop. Always left wanting more, I would spend countless hours reading up on my favorite characters online, and looking up previews for upcoming episodes.

‘And We Fade Into Darkness, Fade Into Darkness’

Shelly Alekka passed away a few days ago. It was cancer that took her. It was in her stomach. It’s not like we were best friends. It’s not even like we were close. I knew her though. Not like you know someone on Facebook, or someone you met once in college. I went to school with her during the formative years of our lives. My school was private and small. Her mom was my computer teacher. I used to see her everyday. She had a striking smile that I only recently noticed. I had always taken her as a serious girl; she was the competitive one back then. In those years when we wore uniforms and before makeup, I didn’t see that beauty. I regret that.